Elyssami Faith and Mykelti Noah (TRIGGER)When my first pregnancy occured, I was 13 years old and terrified. This baby had not come about consensually and I didn't have a clue what to do about it all. I'm ashamed to say I hated and resented the baby growing inside me because I was so afraid. I believed/felt that the baby was a boy, but I didn't care to name him. Out of fear and hope, I told my father I was pregnant, knowing what he'd do. My father arranged things, and in a horrific ceremony, my son died. The whole thing was so traumatic that I repressed it all for many years. When it returned, I began to sort through my emotions and experiences. I named my son Mykelti Noah. His first name is an African name meaning close to God, and Noah traditionally means peace or comfort. Together, I interpret his name as "at peace with God", which gives me comfort. Although I recognise that I could not have given him a safe family life, I still grieve his loss and have come to love the innocent baby he could have been.
In the meantime, I g
Pregnancy and Infant LossFrom as far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a mother. I would lie in my bed at night with my doll under my nightie (night shirt) and pretend I was giving birth to it. I would then hold it and rock it and pretend to let it drink – all, except the birth, I had learned from watching my mother with my brothers.
Growing up with a Christian background I knew that sex before marriage was not approved of and I took that as a value and moral belief for myself – not because I was forced to but because that was something that was important to me. I grew up, and older, and as 16, 18, 21 passed and I had never had a boyfriend I began to despair that my dream of having a family and children whom I would shower with love every day was never going to happen.
In 2007 I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). That turned my despair into hopelessness. I was already on the pill because I either bled to death or didn’t bleed at all, and that combined with PCOS